A Jillaroo and A Sue
by Captain Clueless the First
Summary: Two Aussies land in Elphabian Middle-Earth...and proceed to wreak havoc with every known trope, Mary-Sue! and Realistic! alike. Partially serious, partially humorous, partially dramatic, and naturally, partially parody. Enjoy. Mild swearing. 3rd chapter up: Cadpig, Heel!
1. Chapter 1

The Jillaroo and the Semi-Sue

Author's Note:

This is, yes, a girl in Middle Earth story.. It's been done before, yes, tons of times. This is mine, though, and it will be a rather strange concoction, as I intend on messing with the Realistic! tropes and the Mary-Sue! clichés.

There will be a partial Sue and one non-Sue girl. The partial-Sue is partial because when she is not being stupid, she is quite pleasant. I should warn you, though, that she is domestically inclined, but what's wrong with that? I mean, really. The non-Sue is based off Killer Mackenzie from the book of the same title, and the beginning borrows from the book, but there's no fandom for it in the archives, so that's why there's no crossover.

Now, to the story.

I wiped sweat from my eyes and grinned at Scud who looked smug in the early morning light, as he trotted back after drafting the ewes from the lambs. My father, Cameron Mackenzie, nodded and ruffled my hair as he whistled a short tune.

"Good work, Kay," he said.

"Thanks, Dad," I replied. I stretched, easing some of the tension in my shoulders. "What's the time?" I asked.

"Time, time," he muttered as he looked at his watch. "Six-thirty," he said. "When's Liam picking you up for the billabong meet?"

"Now! I got to go!" I yelped. I sprinted off, leaping the stile instead of slowing down for the gate, running back to the house. I narrowly avoided crashing into the door, through the kitchen, and raced up the stairs to my room.

"Morning, Kay!" shouted my stepmother, Deborah.

"Morning, Dee!" I yelled back. I grabbed a bag, putting in my swimmers, a change of clothes, thongs*, water bottle, hairbrush, deodorant, fly-net and sunscreen. Packing done, I moved down the steep stairs as fast as I dared (not very) and stepped into the kitchen, snatching the container of cupcakes Dee, Kate and I had made for the meet. I shoved the container into the bag and pelted back through the door again.

"Hoo-roo!" yelled Dee.

"Hoo-roo!" I replied over my shoulder, sprinting again to the gate. By the time I reached the gate, I sank to my knees, a stitch beginning. "Oof," I sighed. "So hectic. Wish I could go somewhere peaceful. Just a bit peaceful. Where troubles melt…hah, just like lemon-sodding-drops and rainbows loop the forking loop," I snickered, somewhat disdainfully at the idea.

I never make wishes now, you know. Because a few seconds after I made that supremely unwise statement, I passed out.

When I woke up again, the first feeling I recognised was confusion. It appeared I was in a forest. It wasn't like Australian bush. The trees, ferns and bushes were a greyer green than Australian bush. They weren't unkempt or scruffy or tough or straggly like Australian bush, either. No, they were delicate and majestic. I frowned. Not many flowers either. Plenty of grass, though. The bird calls were simple chirps and tweets. No laugh of the kookaburra, chorus of cicadas, lilting melody of the butcherbird, ditty of the currawong or even the grating screech of the cockatoo.

I tried to sit up and then, much more slowly, lay back down. "Okay, good to know. Moving quickly is not advised," I snorted to myself, glad to find a little humour.

"Are you hurt?" asked a soft voice to my right. I wasn't alone, then. I slowly sat up and turned to face the voice.

Then I gaped, because staring back at me was utter Elven perfection.

"Oh. Shit," I mumbled. So…I was in a strange forest I didn't recognise and there was an Elf sitting beside my right. Which meant…I frowned as I pieced these things together. _Oh, no, no, no, no. _

I pinched myself, slapped my left arm and blinked several times. Nope, everything was still there. Which meant that either I was hallucinating or this was real. I never was one to hallucinate, usually very down-to-earth, and really had no cause to go mad. So it was probably real.

And I was probably in Middle-Earth.

Not good. Not good _at all_.

"So, d'you know where we are?" I asked my companion. She sighed and gave me an 'are you serious' look. Easy now, missy.

"Middle Earth, duh," she responded. I considered this. Not precisely what I was looking for.

"So I noticed. Whereabouts in Middle-Earth?" I prodded.

"A forest," she replied. I nodded, my smile somewhat fixed at this point. I still had some patience left though, thanks to my younger sister.

"So where's the forest?" I asked. She shrugged.

"It's certainly somewhere," she said.

Bloody hell. Surely this was the intellectual equivalent of dental surgery. On a particularly stubborn, hyperactive six year old. I tried again, tone rather snappy.

"Okay. You are an Elf, yes? So which Elven realm are you from? Imladris, Lothlorien, Mirkwood or the Grey Havens?"

"I'm not from here!" she said shaking her head. "I'm from Australia!"

My eyes widened. "Wha'?"

Wait… I looked back at the conversation. A soft accent, slightly longer and with a tendency to add –er to the end of words; words definitely not typical of an Elf; irritatingly sassy mannerisms, like the eye-roll, the duh in her first reply and the short, almost monosyllabic answers. I took a second look at her, inspecting her. Pointy ears, green eyes, looked about fifteen, long blonde bouncy hair, 5 foot five frame, long legs and a super-short body. She was clad in a blue summer dress, which at first glance, seemed Elven. But it wasn't. It looked suspiciously like something in a magazine Kate, my little stepsister, had been admiring a few days ago. So she was a partial Mary-Sue or worse?

"If you are from Australia," I said slowly. "Why are you an Elf?"

"Why do you have wings?" she replied, eyebrow bouncing up.

Okay, this one I was _not_ prepared for.

"What?"

"Okay, one last time, what do I have?" I asked, still trying to get my head around it. Normally, I was pretty good about taking stuff in my stride, but excuse me if my intellect was flabbergasted by this development. It was only the most startling in my twenty-two years of existence.

"Wings. And pointed ears. The wings are purple with silver markings and accents," snapped the girl, obviously tired. Looking back on it, I don't blame her. I nodded, as finally, it sunk in.

"So…I am a faery," I said slowly. My companion nodded vigorously, obviously glad I was finally realising things.

"Yes, you are a fairy. Now, come on!" she said. I looked curiously at her.

"Where to?" I asked.

"Further into the woods!"

"Why should we do that?" I asked, frowning.

"So we can be rescued!" she said bluntly.

"Alright. First, which direction is deeper into the woods? Second, how would us going deeper into the woods lead to us getting rescued?" I said, closing my eyes. This was going to be a long day.

"Isn't it obvious? We wander through the woods, until we nearly despair, and then we will be rescued!"

"By whom?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh, a nobleman, or a prince, or someone like that," she said airily. "Then we fall in love and live happily ever after."

I stared at her, eyes wide, gaping. She had to be insane. Surely, she was insane. Or terribly stupid. Or a _really_ bad Mary-Sue.

"Sweet plan, huh?" she asked, grinning with self-congratulation.

"You're mad," I said flatly. "Off your rocker. Lost your rag. Lost the plot, lost your marbles, you're round the bend, you're _fecking_ mad!"

"What?"

"Look, we're practically unarmed, lost, we don't know whether if there are dangerous creatures in the woods...besides which, moving right now would potentially endanger us."

"Then we'll rely on the nobleman or whoever on the white horse I told you about to save us," she said. The scariest thing was that she said it like the thought was reasonable. Obviously this girl had seen far too many movies, and had been instructed to take them as gospel truth. I face-palmed.

"Okay, what part about us having no connections in this world didn't you hear?" This day was just fantastic. Could it further escalate?

Apparently, yes.

Because at that moment, a group of Elves, about seven, came and surrounded us, fingers drumming on sword hilts. I sighed.

My companion looked too stunned to do anything. I was thinking of something but was rather too irritated with the universe to come up with anything decent, except for one thing. I held my right hand up, palm out, to show a lack of weapons. They relaxed ever so slightly. There were a few tense moments of silence, then I heard hooves and bells. The sounds came closer, and then he rode into the clearing.

On a sodding white horse.

And a girl, who was either extremely stupid or extremely insane, had proved me wrong. Lovely.

He dismounted with a practised grace and pinned both of us with a stern gaze.

"Who are you?" he asked. I gulped and my tongue loosened slightly.

"I am called Kay." He transferred his glare to my companion.

"Jade," she said promptly.

"Whence come you?" he snapped.

"Um…funny story that. We call it Australia, and I'm not sure where it is relative to here. It's…well, it's far away," I said awkwardly. He nodded coolly.

"I see. Tell me, how have you wandered so far unarmed and with such strange luggage?" he asked.

"Luggage?" I echoed, confused. He gestured impatiently to one of the Elves and they brought my bag from the side. I cracked a smile.

"To be frank, I don't know," I said honestly. It seemed like the best policy, and I suspected any lies would be detected, and result in both of us being skewered. His blue eyes narrowed.

"How can you not know?" he asked sternly.

"I don't know that either," I said, trying to suppress my irritation. He glowered.

"Bind their hands. They come to Imladris, and Lord Elrond shall hear of this," he decided.

One guard promptly began to bind my hands, then Jade's. One Elf took charge of my bag, before there was a concerted movement by the Elves that jostled Jade and I into the middle of the caravan.

Not being in the mood for talking, I pondered why Jade and I had been able to understand the Elves and speak to them. For her, it could easily be explained by a Mary-Sue factor. But for me? Maybe it was just part of being a faery, a gift of tongues or something like that.

"My lord?" asked Jade in a soft voice. The leader turned around. I frowned. I was sure I recognised him…

"Yes?" he asked, brow raised.

"How long until Rivendell?" she asked. She mightn't be so bad a Sue if she managed 'Rivendell' correctly, I thought hopefully. He shrugged elegantly.

"A few hours."

And with that, he returned to his position at the head of the column.

It wasn't terribly long before I started getting bored. I began humming _Waltzing Matilda_ softly, under my breath. Jade slowly joined in and I glanced at her in surprise.

"What?" she asked, breaking off. "We still know _Waltzing Matilda_ in Sydney," she said. I laughed.

"Sorry, you just didn't seem the type to sing _Waltzing Matilda_," I replied.

"Well, now both of us have lost the place. Let's start over," she suggested. I nodded, smiling slightly.

"Let's. One, two, three!" We began in unison and sang it, three times over. After that, the Elves began to look irritated. _Suffer, baby!_ I thought, smirking.

"Different one, now," smiled Jade. Apparently the music was cheering her up.

"Certainly. _Old Man Emu_?" I asked.

"I don't know that one."

"Listen to me, then, and try not to crack up," I advised, before launching into the comic song, leaving out the kookaburra impression. Jade valiantly suppressed most of her laughter, but she did let slip a few giggles. I smirked and then it hit me. We had been…civil. She hadn't said anything moronic and I hadn't said anything cutting. She might even be…nice?

"Another!" she pleaded between giggles, effectively snapping me out of my thoughts. "Wallabies! The wallaby song!"

I frowned, trying to decipher this, and then it hit me. "Oh! _Watch me wallabies feed_?"

She nodded, my grin returned, and we started the jaunty, flippant song.

We continued this way all the way down the slopes to the city. By this stage, the Elves were looking more interested than irate, which was a welcome change. Then we came to a wall that loomed before us, a large gate set into it, with a silver inlay of two trees sparkling against the wood. As we approached, the gates were swung open. My eyes widened. This…was Imladris. Jade looked equally stunned. Two Elves on either side of the gate smiled and nodded cheerfully to both of us. I forced a smile and nodded back.

We were in a courtyard. A very large courtyard. About ten Elves came out of the building opposite us and swarmed around the patrol, leading away horses.

"Lord Glorfindel, may I take Asfaloth?" asked one. My head snapped around. Glorfindel? That was _Glorfindel_?

"Yes, thank you. I shall visit him later. First, though, I have other business to attend to," Glorfindel replied. The Elf nodded and took Asfaloth's reins. Glorfindel turned to Jade and I and glared. "You two. Come."

We walked up to him and he nodded, untying our hands. "You will come with me to Lord Elrond," he ordered. We nodded meekly, and walked behind him. He turned a few corridors and then we came to a large door. He knocked sharply.

"Come in," came a voice.

"No, Erestor, you come out," Glorfindel said.

A few moments later, a tall black-haired Elf opened the door. He looked questioningly at Glorfindel.

"Elrond's office, urgently," said Glorfindel simply. Erestor shrugged and knocked on the next door along.

"Come in," came another voice. Glorfindel flung open the door and he and Erestor slipped in to stand beside Elrond, who was sitting at his desk. Jade and I looked at each other nervously. Then I paced forward to stand in front of the desk, Jade following me. I glanced around the room. It was beautiful. The ceiling was high, touched by mahogany bookcases. Several truly fantastic tapestries hung at various points around the room, all breathtakingly wonderful.

Then, the Elf sitting behind the desk. His eyes were silver, stern, fair, compassionate and regal.

"Master Elrond, Erestor, may I introduce Kay and Jade," Glorfindel said quietly.

"Your countenance seems unusual. Whence do you hail?" said Elrond, his voice incredibly measured.

"We call it Australia," I said blandly. Erestor frowned slightly and turned to a selection of maps.

"I don't think you'll find it there," Jade remarked offhandedly. Erestor turned back and frowned.

"We're sort of from…a different world, of sorts. Or a different time," I said quietly.

"…Ah," said Elrond eventually. I frowned. Well, that wasn't the reaction I'd expected. "What? No, 'That's impossible!' or 'It can't be'?" I asked coolly.

"You are not the first to come here from another world," Erestor said calmly.

"It is not unprecedented," agreed Glorfindel.

"There is also something else you should know. I do have some…knowledge, concerning the future. Jade, do you?" I asked her, the last in English, turning to her.

"Erm…well, I only saw the movies, but yeah," she replied. I turned back to the Elves.

"Jade also has some knowledge of the future. It is less detailed than mine, but she possesses it," I said quietly.

"You are seers?" Elrond asked, his eyes narrowed.

"No. Where I come from, the history of Middle-Earth and the War are well-documented," I said quietly. "I have read the histories. The story of the War has been made into a…play, as well, which Jade has seen."

Three pairs of eyes widened. Three mouths opened. I forestalled them, holding up a hand and saying sharply, "No! Do not ask me anything. I should not, _must not_, tell you anything."

"She's right," said a feminine voice from a corner. A tall, blue-gowned elleth slipped over to join the three ellyn. My eyes widened. Was she _green_? She couldn't be….

"_Elphaba_?" I asked, my jaw dropping. Her eyes widened.

"You know my name?" she asked.

_Shit!_ "Erm…yes. Your story is rather widely known. I did not know that you…I mean…I thought you lived in _Oz_," I said awkwardly. She shrugged.

"Did once. Now, I'm here," she said laconically.

"Oh. Right," I said, even more awkwardly. Elphaba tipped her head to one side curiously.

"What are you?" she asked curiously.

"I'm a faery," I said flatly. Silence filled the room rapidly at that point. Apparently that was a bit of a shocker.

"Do you have any plans for the future?" enquired Erestor at length.

"Er, no, I'm afraid not," I said sheepishly.

"I see," began Elrond, his eyes thoughtful. "Then I suppose you will have to be allotted quarters here." He rang a bell, and a few minutes later, an elleth appeared. She had a mature, almost matriarchal look to her, and she instantly won my respect.

"You rang, Master Elrond?" asked the elleth.

"Yes, thank you, Goodwife Laeglen. Please allot permanent quarters to our new friends. They will be staying here," he said smoothly, deeply inclining his head in respect. I stood and gave a deep nod also to the elleth, who smiled warmly at Jade and I.

"Come along, my dears," she said welcomingly, beckoning. I grinned and followed her out of the office, nodding at the four Elves, Jade following suit. She led us down a few long corridors.

"Will you wish your rooms to be close together?" she enquired. I thought about this.

"Yes," I decided quickly. She wasn't so bad, perhaps a little dim, but she seemed rather pleasant and nice. And really, it made sense for we Earthlings to at least stay close together. Goodwife Laeglen nodded briskly.

"Very well, then…I shall put you in adjacent rooms, then." She turned another corner and we soon stopped. The first room was mine.

It was…big. There was a small sitting room, which had several chairs, a bookshelf, a desk, an oil-lamp and a fireplace. A doorway led into the bedroom, where the bed dominated the room. A large closet was discreetly tucked into one corner, and a helpfully placed mirror was in the centre of one wall. I smiled broadly at Goodwife Laeglen.

"I take it you approve?" she asked from the doorway. I nodded vigorously.

"Thank you!" I cried, finding my tongue. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She smiled kindly and nodded. "It is no trouble. If you need anything, please let me know."

I sighed and looked around for a few seconds. This was surreal. But I could figure it out.

Right?

TBC

*Note: in Australia, thongs aren't underwear. Thongs are flip-flops.

_Old Man Emu _and _Watch me wallabies feed_ are Australian…folk songs, sort of thing. But, you know. Funnier.

_Waltzing Matilda_ is often described as Australia's unofficial national anthem. I wish it were the national anthem. It would make a nice change.


	2. Respectable Working Girls

_Chapter 2: Working Girls_

_Author's Note:_

_The clich__é__s I attack will not be in any particular order. Often they'll have a single chapter, or more, devoted to them. _

_Clich__é__ Number 1: The girls in Middle-Earth rarely seem to find anything constructive to do, and spend their time floating around, doing nothing. Well, they'll learn a language and maybe play an instrument and brush up on history. _

_Realistic Trope Number 1: The girls who do learn to do something in Middle Earth never have any aptitude whatsoever for anything, nor do they ever seem to get much better or do they seem to have the wit to try and specialise in something they are good at or not too bad at (boz4PM's "Don't Panic" excluded). Ladies, we're probably not best suited to it, but we aren't so bad that we can't learn to adapt. Nor are all of us __totally__ inept at __everything__ that was done in that time. We really aren't. _

I woke up early the next day, and tumbled out of bed, tangling my feet in the blue bedclothes so that I fell to the floor. "Oof," I grumbled, slowly disentangling myself. "Well, Kay, you've got yourself a splendid start to the day." I slowly looked around the room, and smiled slightly at the sight of my bag. I stumbled over towards it and quickly changed, before laying hand on hairbrush. At this point I looked in the mirror and smiled with relief.

My eyes were the same blue as my father's. My black hair was a short bob, bouncing in unfashionable tough curls. I loved it; it irritated the more fashion-conscious of my acquaintances (plus my mother) no end. My ears were pointed delicately, which was new. I was tall, flat chested, skinny and tanned from working outside on the farm, sunscreen notwithstanding. "Good farming stock," according to most of the adults around Sunnydale, where I lived. I was still my non-Mary-Sue self. That is, apart from the ears and…wings. I looked curiously at them, my hand moving the brush mechanically. They were deep purple, silver lines tracing intricate patterns on them. It was going to take some getting used to; but overall, apart from that and my ears, I looked the same as ever. I quickly finished brushing my hair and set down the brush, ready for the day. I wondered whether to wake Jade. _Nah_, I decided.

I exited the bedroom and looked out the large window the sitting area held. The sun was just rising, I noted with a spark of pleasure. I was in a different world, but my daily habit of getting up with the sun remained. Far out across the valley, a rooster crowed, jolting me out of my reverie and I meandered round through the corridors, until eventually I stumbled across a small, white-haired figure.

"Hullo!" said the figure, turning around, looking up to meet my eyes. "Bilbo Baggins, at your service!" he said, bowing courteously. My jaw dropped, and I hastily tried to gather myself.

"Kay Mackenzie at yours, sir," I replied with a smile, going into an awkward bob. "Not Miss Kay, not Miss Mackenzie and certainly not Lady. Just Kay, please."

"If you call me Bilbo, then I shall call you Kay. Nice to see a young 'un with good manners, though," said Bilbo in reply, chuckling. "What brings you down here?"

"Well, I was hoping to find the kitchen, you see, I'm rather-" my stomach growled at that point and I went bright red. Bilbo gave a roar of laughter.

"So I see! Come with me then, my friend. I am set off to the kitchens as well. Let me see if I can wrangle something out of the cooks."

"Why are you up and about so early?" Bilbo later asked curiously, over the plates we had conned out of the cooks. I shrugged.

"Habit, I suppose. Living on the farm for all my life and all," I replied. "And you?"

"Oh, I often get up early nowadays. It seems such a shame to waste the morning, and I don't need so much sleep anymore.

"May I ask, how long have you been living here in Imladris?" I asked hopefully. If he told me that, I could (perhaps) work out the date, and from that, how long until the Council. I'd never been so grateful that I had pored over the Appendices time and again.

"Oh, let's see…it's 3012 now, so I have been living here for nine years," he said. 3012. Six years until the Council of Elrond. Six years for Jade and I to get our act together. I nodded and smiled politely, setting down my cutlery.

"I do not think I have seen you before. Tell me, have you been here long?" he asked, doing the same. His wise, old face examined me shrewdly.

"No, I haven't," I admitted freely. "I arrived yesterday, with my companion, Jade. We've travelled very far." His wise, knowing face nodded.

"I wonder if…if it isn't too much of an imposition…could you, perhaps, show me around?" I asked hesitantly. It was probably a bit too familiar, but I felt a sense of kinship to old Bilbo. Besides which, it was probably safe to be friendly with him; aside from his relationship with Frodo, he didn't affect the storyline too much, particularly when in the before-Frodo-leaves-the-Shire period. He beamed at me.

"Certainly! I shall just return our plates to the kitchen," he said, gathering them up and poking his head around the kitchen door. I smiled as he reappeared, and stood. He reached up to take my arm, smiling like an amused grandfather at his (much) taller granddaughter.

"Where to first, my dear?" he asked.

"Well, I suppose I should learn where the dining hall is," I began. He gave a shout, and slapped himself on the forehead. "Of course! Silly old Baggins. Start with the basics," he scolded himself, shaking his head. He led me through a small corridor that turned onto the large dining hall. A huge table ran from one end of the hall to the other. Then he showed me the Hall of Fire, close to it. Then, I followed him through several sharp twists and turns until we reached the healers' space. Close to that, worked the seamstresses, he said.

If you ever wanted to work in Imladris, he explained to me, there was always plenty to do. There were the potters, the weavers, the tanners, the metal and woodworkers, the smithy, the seamstresses, the gardeners, the healers, the cooks, the basket-workers. My face crumpled as he listed off the things.

"Oh. I'm not good at any of these things, Bilbo," I said, in a rather morose voice. He chuckled and shook his head.

"They will find something for you, there is no doubt," he said. "If you wish to work, they will find a way for you to work."

"I wonder if Jade will take up anything," I murmured. Bilbo began to show me the gardens, and they made me gasp.

They were incredible, and it was my first sight of the Elven bond with nature. The grass seemed to have a lustre I doubted it had in any garden tended by Man; the flowers seemed brighter, their fragrance sweeter and headier. They were not arranged into patterns, simply tended to in their lovely beds, and they shone with a blazing glory.

"Bilbo?" I asked experimentally. "Which People would you say are better gardeners, hobbits or Elves?"

That was all that was needed to sidetrack us for an hour, while we debated a hobbit's down-to-earth, instinctive aptitude for plants in particular (best exhibited by one Samwise Gamgee) versus the Elven, near-druidic connection to the earth and all of its life. By the time we'd reached a stalemate, the sun was past dawn and in its early morning position. Bilbo smiled brightly and gestured indoors.

"Shall we?" I nodded, and we walked back to the dining-hall. I spotted Jade, sitting alone at the bottom end of the table. I quickly walked over, and Bilbo followed. A small group of Elves, upon spotting Bilbo, meandered over.

"Where were you?" Jade hissed, green eyes wide with worry. "I've been looking for you for ages!"

I shifted uncomfortably under her accusing gaze. "Well, I got up pretty early, so I just got up and went to find the kitchens, then Bilbo showed me around," I replied casually. "I would've waken you, but it was just so early."

"Yeah, well, next time, wake me up to tell me, then let me go back to sleep," said Jade. I shrugged.

"Okay. Say, what are you doing after brekky?" I asked, helping myself to some fruit.

"Don't know. Why?"

But at that moment, the question was answered for us.

"Good morning, Jade, Kay," said Erestor, appearing beside us.

I jumped in my seat, then calmed down. "Good morning, Lord Erestor. Can we help you?" Jade asked politely.

"Yes. Elphaba wishes to see you in her office after breakfast," he answered quickly. I nodded sharply.

"We will be there," I replied. He nodded and briskly departed.

"You sleep well?" I asked Jade. She nodded, smiling slightly. Then she saw Bilbo and the four Elves who'd wandered over to him.

"Kay? Introduce me to your friends?" she asked.

"Certainly. Bilbo Baggins, meet my friend Jade," I introduced.

"Lovely to meet you, Jade," he said, shaking her hand across the table.

"You two are the travellers who arrived yesterday!" said one of the ellyn. I inclined my head.

"Yes, we are. I am Kay. She is Jade. Who are you?" I asked.

"I am Lindir," said the ellon, nodding. I suppressed my reaction to the name.

"Tathar," said the other ellon, grinning.

"Ladies?" I turned to the ellith of the group.

"Faereth and Eleniel," said Eleniel, smiling widely.

"We heard there were some very new travellers, and we came to investigate," said Tathar cheerfully.

"We're always glad to see travellers in Imladris," Lindir continued.

"Aye, for all of them reasons related to your professions!" Bilbo chortled. The ellith blushed at this; Tathar and Lindir glared at Bilbo.

"What's all this then?" I asked, interested, glancing between the members of the quartet.

"They wheedle secrets out of travellers. Lindir begs for songs of different lands, Tathar for differences in gardening techniques, Faereth for healing secrets and Eleniel for matters of dress and fabrics," said Bilbo, laughingly. "Oh, don't glare at me like that, Tathar! It's true and you know it!"

I smiled. "Peace!" I laughed. "Jade, I'm sure, can help with matters of dress and song. Though neither of us are healers, I grew up in a farming town." Jade nodded her head firmly. The Elves brightened and we managed to finish breakfast without further incident.

Erestor silently reappeared and nodded meaningfully at Jade and I. I stood wordlessly and turned to Jade.

"Coming?" I asked. She nodded and stood also, and we followed Erestor to Elphaba's office.

Erestor let us into the office, and slipped over to stand beside Elphaba and Glorfindel behind the desk. Elphaba was sitting in her chair and she smiled at us as we entered.

"Have a seat, Jade, Kay," said Elphaba. We complied, and somewhat nervously, I shifted, crossing my legs. She nodded and caught our eyes, holding them steadily.

"I came to Imladris, a little over two centuries ago. When I injured myself, Master Elrond cared for me. When I knew nothing, Erestor taught me history and knife-work. Lindir gave me a set of drums. Eventually, after I healed, Imladris offered me a purpose, something to keep my mind sharp and my hands at work. It was only after they offered it to me, how I realized how much I'd missed it. Knowing I had means to meet an end, and an end to meet." She paused before she continued. "Yesterday, Master Elrond offered you shelter, food, and care should you need it, but he is terribly bad at this talk, so I do it for him, on his behalf. Today, I offer you, on his behalf, the chance to spend your days doing something you love. Neither of you are not the sort of female, I think, who take well to ennui or boredom or lack of tasks to do, though some take to it like ducks to water," she said, smiling gently at us. I felt a surge of warmth and affection: these Elves _got it_. They _got_ that I, for one, had too much pride to be a permanent, non-paying guest that didn't work. They _got_ that I needed a purpose. They really, well and truly, _understood_.

"You may choose anything, but may it be something you love, or excel at," added Erestor. Glorfindel nodded gravely.

"Life is too precious to waste on something you hate," he remarked, smiling wryly.

"So what are you skilled at?" asked Elphaba bluntly. "Weaving?" she asked, cocking her head to one side. Both of us shook our heads. "Sewing?" I shook my head. Dee hadn't trusted me with needles. With fairly good reason, too.

"Enough to patch and mend and darn but nothing more. I'm alright, I suppose," Jade said modestly.

"Tanning, metalwork or carpentry?" she fired off. I shook my head for both of us, going pinker with each shake.

"Pottery, basket weaving, gardening, painting or drawing?" she asked. I shook my head again, but Jade was thoughtful.

"I don't know anything about basket-weaving, or gardening…but when I was in school-" she saw the incomprehension on their faces. "When I was taught my lessons, when I was a child," she clarified, and their faces cleared. "I was an adequate drawer and painter. I worked with a bit of clay as well."

"Cooking?" asked Elphaba. I, once again, shook my head and Jade once again nodded slightly. This seemed to be a trend. Glorfindel and Erestor were looking at me in disbelief. I scowled fiercely, and they quickly dropped their gazes, looking contrite. Good!

"Do you look after animals?" Elphaba asked. My head snapped up hopefully, scowl vanishing.

"What kind of animals?" I asked slowly. Dared I hope?

"Cattle, sheep, horses, goats, pigs and dogs," she listed, counting them off on her fingers. I smiled. The smile broadened into a beam and then I found myself suppressing a grin that bordered on loony.

"Which would you like to look after?" she asked, evidently taking the Cheshire cat grin as a 'Yes, I would _very_ much like to look after the animals, if I may'.

"Dogs?" I questioned eagerly. "Big dogs?"

"Would the hunting dogs be suitable for you?" she enquired.

I nodded hugely. "I don't know anything about training them _to hunt_ but I'm good at handling dogs like that," I clarified. She smiled.

"Then that is settled. Kay, you will work with the hunting dogs. Jade, out of your skills, which would you like to work with most?" asked Elphaba. Jade was silent, then quietly, she answered.

"I would prefer to cook and learn to sew, if I may. My talents are inclined towards the domestic, and…well, I would prefer to learn something I can apply to everyday life. I don't really like learning things I can't use, because then I feel it is wasted." Elphaba smiled at both of us.

"I understand Goodwife Laeglen has taken a shine to you. I shall ask her to get some ellith and ellyn to help you in your respective areas. She is a good friend, and an _invaluable_ ally."

"That would be very helpful, thank you. And your words about Goodwife Laeglen are noted," Jade said softly.

Elphaba waved a hand airily. "It is the least I could do. You can begin immediately, if you wish."

"I would like to, thank you. Kay?" Jade asked, turning to me. I smiled and nodded.

"Same. I'll see you at lunch," I said, rising to leave.

"One more thing," said Elphaba, holding up a green finger. "You're going to have to be measured at the seamstresses for some clothes, clearly. Jade, as you are going to be learning to sew, would it please you to help with your own garments?"

Jade grinned, evidently delighted. I couldn't say I understood her delight, but to each their own, as they say.

"Yes, please," she beamed. Then her face fell. "I'm afraid I don't know where the seamstresses are."

Elphaba rose to her feet smoothly, her eyes dancing. "I believe I can show you where they are."

"Ah…I don't know where the hunting dogs are kept either," I said. Glorfindel nodded, also rising. "I can show you. I need to pay a visit to the kennels anyway."

"Problem?" asked Erestor, obviously concerned.

"Quite the opposite. Hanfaril's had another litter. Three of them, sired by Talagor," said Glorfindel, beaming. Erestor smiled widely.

"That is wonderful, _mellon_! We can never have too many scent-hounds," he declared merrily.

"Careful, Erestor. What is the mortal saying again? "_Too many cooks spoil the soup_," laughed Glorfindel, "nonetheless, I shall give Hanfaril your regards and congratulations."

"Broth," corrected Elphaba under her breath. Glorfindel shrugged, beckoned to me and I obediently followed him out of the door.

"Hanfaril?" I enquired.

"The lead bitch of the Imladhren Pack and my own hound," Glorfindel explained. I nodded.

"So I will be working with them?"

"The Pack? I do not think so, no. You, I think, will be dealing with some new stock they brought in," Glorfindel said. My ears almost pricked up at this. This sounded intriguing.

AN: Thanks for reading. Feedback welcome.


	3. Cadpig, Heel!

-K-

Glorfindel showed me to a group of Elves, all of whom were about my height or taller.

"Mellyn!" he called, a hint of his authority in his tone. "You have a new worker." At his first shout, they had all turned to face him, their eyes questioning. He gestured towards me and I smiled tentatively. Then something hit me.

Ellyn. _All_ ellyn. There were no ellith in the group of five. And every one of those ellyn was very, very handsome. Crap. I hadn't noticed it with Elrond, Glorfindel or Erestor but I was noticing it now. Even worse, they were handsome in a way that was so immortal and natural, it was almost overpowering. Think of the salty tang of the beach, the blue sky of a hot summer, smiles of friends when you catch up after a long time apart, the scent of potent freesias and gardenias, and the best moment ever.

Yeah, it was kind of like that all rolled into one.

I swallowed.

Not good.

Glorfindel smiled, nodded a farewell and left to see his hound. Well, nothing for it then. I nodded shyly at them. "Good morning. I am Kay," I said.

"Well met, Kay. I am Chalar. So, what do you know about dogs?" one asked practically.

"Well, I grew up on the farm working with dogs. Herding dogs. I've never trained dogs to hunt before, but I think I can learn to, and I can easily teach them basic commands," I replied. Chalar nodded, relaxing.

"That is well. Some come here and find that they are not exactly…effective, with the dogs. Or they are simply not of the size required for dealing with them," he said with a smile, "I should not think you will have that problem. Fortunate that you're so tall."

I snorted but accepted his word for it. "Fortunate, indeed. But there's only one way to find out, then. Where do I start?"

"Here there are five of us, not counting you, and six pups. Saedor been looking after two of them, so perhaps you can take the cadpig of the litter, if you will have each other," Chalar said. There was a general murmur of assent to this.

"Ca–oh, the runt of the litter. Right-o, sounds good to me. Lead on!"

There was a ripple of indulgent smiles at my eagerness but no comment about my wings or my ears or my strange clothes. Perhaps, I thought, they saw but thought it rude to comment. Or perhaps, since the Last Homely House had probably housed some pretty weird people, they just weren't fazed by anything.

The ellyn began moving as a whole towards a large pen. Six gangly puppies gambolled around, playing rough-and-tumble, chewing on each other's ears, tripping over their own legs. A huge white bitch glided about, watching her pups intently. My jaw dropped. She was half as big again as most big hounds today, but she had the unmistakable lean build, height and fine head of an Irish wolfhound…though she did bear some similarities to a deerhound. She was enormous, towering over her pups like some maternal woolly mammoth. Chalar laughed softly at my reaction.

"Well, we did tell you that they were big," he chuckled. Once again, that indulgent smile ran around through group.

"I knew you said they were big," I said tartly. "However, where I come from, big dogs tend to mean ones that reach one's knee at the shoulder, not one's _hip_!"

He cast me a wondering look. "Do you not have hunting dogs there?"

"We have…different methods, rather than using dogs, shall we say. Not that we lack of things _to_ hunt," I snorted. He raised a sceptical eyebrow but let me off the hook, opening the pen. Immediately, the pups began yipping and yapping in excitement, bounding up to the Elves. Saedor, the ellon who'd been looking after two, beckoned me to join him. He knelt and whispered something to the smallest. The grey pup listened, ears pricking attentively, and then trotted over to me. I glanced at Saedor in surprise and he smiled.

"Talk to him. He is quite intelligent. Talk to him, let him get to know you. The other ellyn and I will be watching with our pups," he said quietly. I nodded and looked at the puppy, staring into his eyes. He whimpered and his gaze slid away. My authority so asserted, I began in a soft voice.

"Hullo, pup. I'm Kay. I'm from far away, and I'm not an Elf, as you can tell. I'm a faery, but you can trust me. I used to live on a farm, and my favourite part was working with my dogs and my horse. I would love to work with you, but they said you had to accept me, so perhaps I should talk more, first," I began. And then the words wouldn't stop; they flooded out in a rush. I talked of how back home, I had a three-legged, one-eyed, one-eared dog named Scud, and a spotless horse named Spot; how the hens in the chook-house were so silly, needing china eggs to remind them how to lay eggs, when they laid eggs every day; how rare it was for a ewe to break from the flock, but particularly if Scud was herding them. How I was so unused to these pale, pastel flowers and grasses; I knew boldly coloured landscapes, of skies that were iron-grey when raining, French blue in warm spring and sapphire blue against baked golden earth, with pale specks of dust rising up in tanned clouds when you went running. How Sandra the massive steer with legs like bloody tree-trunks used to be Sandra Bullock, the poddy calf, best mates with BaaBaa Streisand the ewe. A few years ago, I'd stuck my hand up my old pony's bum to make sure her foal came out right, I mentioned. The day when a mud fight broke out in the dam between Dad, I had so much fun, it was ridiculous; even more so that that was the day I'd resolved to never do anything else. If Scud had four legs, he'd easily smash the speed of light and maybe even _gossip_. Eventually, when I could think of no more to say, I stopped. The torrent was over surprisingly quickly. I looked at the dirt before me, not wanting to give a threatening impression. The pup sniffed, eyes shining with intelligence, and licked my hand. Then the ellyn gave loud whoops of delight.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes!" I cried. Champagne bubbled through my veins. I was Wonder Woman, Pioneer Girl.

"You must name the pup," said Saedor. "I have not named him, he is yours."

I sized up the puppy, thinking closely. "Well, you're an Aussie's dog, so you'd best have an Aussie name, hadn't you? Let's think…Heeler, I think," I grinned. "Yes, Heeler will do nicely."

"Heeler?" echoed Saedor. I nodded.

"Where I come from, it's a term for a very good dog," I said.

"For all that he's the cadpig of the litter, he will still be a large dog when he grows up," conceded Chalar. "Now, the pups won't go from the dam until they're at least nine weeks. They're eight weeks old now. We're just playing with them today, correcting any problems they show, but not specially teaching them any commands."

I nodded, understanding, then something occurred to me. "Are they at the teething stage?" I enquired.

"Teething?" echoed Chalar.

"Are they chewing everything in sight and possibly out?" I clarified. He nodded, somewhat grimly. I smiled.

"Great! Do you have some clean rags I can borrow?"

"What for?" he asked, baffled. I shrugged, smiling.

"You'll see," I promised. He left and returned with about eight sizable rags. I knotted them together into a rope and turned to face Heeler. He examined the rag-rope, sniffing it curiously. I held onto one end and flicked the other end at him. He promptly set on it, growling fiercely. I pulled back gently. The other Elves eyed us curiously. Heeler tugged, growling and I tugged back, grunting. Back and forth, and back and forth, until I let it go spinning out of my hands. Heeler barked, his tail wagging madly, and picked up the rag-rope, bounding almost into my lap, pawing the rope. I laughed and picked up the rope again. He latched onto the other end, almost hanging off it, until he planted his paws firmly into the ground and Tug o' War began anew.

By now, the ellyn were openly staring in curiosity.

"What is that?" Chalar asked, pointing to the rag-rope.

"It's a rag-rope. Where I come from, we use things like this to help puppies when they're teething. We call the game Tug o' War," I said, grunting in triumph as Heeler lost his grip on the rope. They murmured quietly and then turned back to their own pups to play.

I yelped as Boomer leapt onto my chest and started licking my face.

"No! No!" I cried, stifling my giggles. "Bad pup, bad!" I said. His ears went down, his tail fell between his ears and he crouched, whining. I let this state of affairs continue for a second and then patted his head, smiling.

"Good pup," I soothed. His tail immediately lifted and he snuffled into my hand. "Very good pup."

"You're working with a puppy?" Jade asked me, mouth in a jealous 'O'. We were lounging in the comfortable chairs in her sitting room. I nodded.

"Yeah, I've got the runt of the litter, according to the Elves," I began dreamily. "But I think I've got the best pup. His eyes, they just shine with intelligence, and he trips over his legs, which is just _adorable_, and he's absolutely gorgeous. He's grey, with some black on his back, and he has super-cute white socks on his paws. And he's…he's like a cross between an Irish wolfhound and a Scottish deerhound!" I babbled excitedly. "His mother is half as big again as most Irish wolfhounds today, so who knows how big Boomer will be? I mean, Irish wolfhounds today can reach up to seven feet on their hind legs!"

"Heeler?" asked Jade, eyes sparking with recognition. "Isn't that slang for-"

"Slang for dog? Yep. I didn't want to get very fancy," I smirked. Jade giggled.

"It is! Oh, do you get to keep him?"

I hummed in thought. "I think so. See, most hounds need to have one master. You can't just shut them in a kennel. Now, I think the Elves have twigged to this, because from what I saw, the pup accepts them as a master. That's what happened with Heeler and I. I gather it's standard procedure. In a week or so, the puppies will be removed from their mother. I suppose Boomer will be living with me, then. Or with us, I suppose, in reality, seeing as our rooms are connected and all."

"Yeah. Wow, I still can't believe we're in Middle Earth!" laughed Jade, a tad of hysteria in her voice. I raised an eyebrow and whacked her with a pillow. "Better? Hysteria gone?"

"Oh, you didn't," she growled, grabbing the pillow. Instinctively, I grabbed another.

"Did," I said, clutching the shield.

"PILLOW FIGHT!" she proclaimed. She whacked me over the head. I attempted to stuff the pillow down her throat, failed, and then tried old-fashioned smothering. Giggling, she clawed the pillow off of her face and we set about belabouring each other in earnest, eventually collapsing into the chairs, and laughing. It's amazing how a full-blown pillow fight generally clears the air of tension, of any lingering fears or doubts. Have a pillow fight with an acquaintance and see if you don't end up laughing like best mates, I guarantee it.

"Oh, that felt good," I giggled, sinking back into the armchair. "How was your day?"

Jade's smile turned rather wry. "I don't think that cooking is like our cooking at home. It's much harder."

"I thought you were sewing?"

"Yeah, that's not like sewing at home either," she admitted.

"Ah, well. Confession is good for the soul, remember?" I said encouragingly.

"Suit yourself, Kay."

A/N: I know, short chapter, and kind of late. Sorry. Coming up, Jade's day with the seamstresses!


End file.
